More Google Search and how you found my blog

• 
• gunshot hole in pillow~ why does that sound like one of my as the redneck world turns posts?  Hmm well the summer isn’t over yet.
• pig money box~ that’s just weird …what the heck is that?  A piggy bank that can box?  Or money that drops out of some pig’s box.  No idea
• People eating candy and falling asleep~  first off why are you searching that combination?  Who falls asleep while eating candy.  Especially if it’s chocolate.  I am going to stay wide awake it all of it and look for more.
• Falling asleep at work pictures~  well no such luck on this blog.  I am usually bitching about being over worked.  Then again maybe I am talking about some of the prn lazy nurses we have.  That might be a possibility

Thanks to all of those people who have accidently stumbled upon my blog.  I hope you come back and visit my insane asylum again.

Facebook I don’t Like you

I have kept my 2 cents to myself long enough.  I think it was time to explain to the people what the like button is all about.
Okay people.  There is a concept with the like button.  If you like what the person is typing about…you hit the like button.  If the picture they posted is great you hit the like button.  Post a musical video you like…ta da you hit the like button.  Can you see a pattern going on here?  Good because here are a few times I really wanted to post you like this??? WTF
Here goes…when NOT to hit the like button.

1. Today I lost my best friend~  okay unless this best friend was a bitch or maybe a horrible person then I might click the like button.  But at least explain yourself
2. I lost my sister today.  She battle cancer for the last year and I am glad she isn’t suffering anymore~  okay don’t hit the like button.  If even if you agree that she is no longer in pain.  It appears that you are glad she is dead.
3. Ugh I have the crud today~  this was on my Facebook.  My friends actually liked this.  I really wanted to invite them to my house so I could cough on them.  Really?  You love that I have the crud.
4. Lord I am glad today is over…bad day.  I hate having code blues.~  yup someone like that.  Are you liking that there was a code blue, that someone died?  Or that she had a bad day.  Let’s hope it’s the fact the day ended.  Really?  Would it have hurt to actually type glad your day is over maybe it will be better tomorrow?
5. Copied and pasted from a friends Fb: It really sux when something u have believed and trusted in turns out to be meaningless and empty ....12 people liked this?  Really are you sure these 12 people aren’t the ones you should trust.
6. Another cut and paste: The crime rate is rising on a local college campus. We told you about crime rates going up on Tusculum College's campus last week.  ~yup people like this.  HMMM cops maybe you should swing by these people’s houses.  Maybe they are the criminals since they  like the fact the crime rates have gone up
7. There is a video of a accident of a some idiot that was texting.  Completely caused a bad accident and there was nothing left of the driver.  Yes great message to not text…but liking it is kinda morbid.
8. And last but not least on my last post…Depressed…bleck.  yup had people like that.  Glad I didn’t post going to slit my wrists or anything.  My husband even noticed that.  Why are people liking you depression.  I have no idea.

So please stop using the like button to appear that you are actually reading people’s post.  Because if your not actually reading them and you click like incorrectly…it’s a bit weird.  I do agree fb does need to add a dislike button.  But it’s just as easy to type dislike or even a brief message. Like I hope things get better soon.  Even that sucks.  So today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter D…as in DUH. The number 2 as in shit people use your common sense…and the letter B as in boy I’m a bitch I know.

Things that I wonder about to myself

There are days that I really do keep my mouth shut.  Surprising I know but I would love to speak what’s on my mind but I would like to avoid the hospital.  Especially since it’s full.  That’s another blog in itself.   So here goes.  By the way English experts my brain doesn’t always think in correct grammar. 
My wandering mind: Brought to from me but stealing the idea from my sister in law.  Sorry was a good steal. Check her out  click here.
Gym

1. Wow spandex is not your friend
2. Does my butt look like that in those same pants? God I hope not
3. Wow why even wear shorts they look like they are painted on. Wish my ass looked like that.
4. iPad at the gym?  What the heck no wonder why you can’t lose weight.  Get off the chair and iPad and get on the treadmill
5. Omg grandpa just speed walked passed me.  Damn I must be fat and out of shape
6. Ugh really I have only gone .5 miles?  My legs feel like Jell-O
7. I really wanna quit.  I can do this.  That blonde is so fit.  I want to look like that.  Must continue on to no pain no gain…wait I don’t want to gain.  Um No Guts no Glory.  I must have a lot of glory because I sure have a lot of guts.
8. Wow back off on the steroids dude…I mean ma’am
9. Ouch ouch ouch.  I will not say that out loud as I go down the steps.  Oh shit there went my leg.  That would suck to tumble down the stairs.  Great the old lady asked if I was okay.  I was hoping no one saw that.

Work

1. Really?  At 3am it’s an emergency to come in for cold and cough that you have had for 3 days.  Sure whatever.
2. Do you think it’s broke? ~ Ma’am do I look like an x-ray machine?
3. See this?  this rash what is it?  what can I do to make it go away? ~Bathe wow you smell.  Do I look like a doctor?
4. I was here this morning and my child still is sick so I brought them back. ~ What OMG really let’s rush them back.  It’s a cold dumbass it doesn’t disappear after one dose of antibiotics.
5. I know what you need to make you feel better.  Soap and water.  Well at least it would make the rest of the world feel better
6. you stuck what where?
7. Can I leave? I have to go to work. ~well sir had you not chew up a fentanyl patch you could and maybe the ambulance wouldn’t have needed to bring you the to ER tonight because you were dead there for a little while.  But sure by all means go to work and kill your coworker because YOU ARE STILL UNDER THE INFLUENCE…and stupid
8. Smile I love my job I love my job.  It’s illegal to stab you with my pen.  Keep smiling.
9. I really wish you would get off you ass and help.  A few of us are tired of doing it all.
10. I really would like to bathe your kid for you.  Maybe show you how it’s done.
11. yes ma’am I can tell you are really hurting if you don’t get off you iphone I might show you some pain. Gah!
12. Really Dr Dumbass you can swab a kids nose for RSV?  you have to bitch about it while I am taking care of my CRITICAL patient.  Sure let me drop everything and get that for you.

Home

1. Really I married you why?  ~I already have 2 kids
2. Can you run this errand for me?  ~ hell no! so you can nap on your day off while I get one day off and do all the running.  I think not.
3. What can you do to make me happy ? do you not hear me bitching every day?  pick one!
4. eww dog really?  what died in your ass.  Gross, cough, gag blargh
5. What do you have? Gross is that…that’s a used tissue.  What is wrong with you black dog.  Spit it out.
6. I just cleaned this.  Did a tornado touch down in the living room and I missed it?
7. I have 100 channels of nothing on TV.  I think I spend more time flipping than watching.
8. Really no new shows till April?  They need another month off.  Damn I am in the wrong line of work.
9. Can I trade you for another dog please.
10. Yes dear you know all I know nothing.

Starbucks:

1. Dear teen I think your wearing you mom’s sweat pants they are 3 times to big for you.
2. Wow I didn’t know Pretty woman’s boots were real.
3. this music makes me want to kill people
4. I think the barista has had too much coffee or they are hiring people from the insane asylum.
5. No I don’t want your stupid diarrhea whip cream on my coffee.  Yes you will remake it
6. Omg I can see the new Olive Garden sign.  Yes this town is moving up in the redneck world about time
7. Hi nope I have no idea who you are.  You look familiar.  Crap I am getting old.
8. Did I mention my ears are bleeding from this music.  I think they must put this crap on to make you want to leave….sheesh.  Omg There is an old dude dancing to this crap.  Really?

A Picture can say 1000 words and mine aren’t nice

Okay so my picture has words sue me I have to make it easy for my readers.  If I just had the picture you might think dirty things…or that ta da I have an idea…lol

Damaged dog

I think my schnauzer is damaged…as in broke…as in not normal and possibly part redneck. So anytime my man walks into the house he growls at him.  Like he is some new stranger.  Maybe he senses something?  lol Okay that was mean.  Most of the time he does this is when he has a big hat on.  Like his cowboy hat or his hat that a had a wide brim.  I don’t know if that’s it.  He has never been hit with a hat.  So I have no idea what he is thinking.  To make matters worse this dog has a defense mechanism.  If you scare him he farts.  I mean so bad you would think he actually crap somewhere.  What the heck?   The kids find this funny and try to come up with ways to scare the dog to make him fart.  Its great…don’t piss me off dear or I will scare the dog and make him fart.  It stinks bad enough most times to make your eyes water.  Yea I know you really need to know that the family that I live with thinks it’s a great game to see who can make the dog fart first.  Is it sadder that I join in the game?

When you know your mind is dirty

Watch this and tell me you don’t hear it too.  I know I have a perv mind…but come on Tmobile…really?

So you want to die

10. Be a Camp Counselor- Fun Summer job, right? You get to wear shorts at work, go swimming, do arts and crafts, wind up at the bottom of the lake with a branch through your face...um...what was that? Yeah. Don't you know? This job is more deadly than being an ice trucker. Hate the thought of going back to school? Be a counselor. You'll never go anywhere again. Wanna get it over quickly? Do any of the things below to make sure you are the first to go. Wanna live? Work at the mall.

9. Ignore the Local Crazy- You know the ones I mean. They run around town spouting about the end of the world, saying things like "You'll never come back again" or "it's got a death curse." They could be warning you of certain death in ghastly ways...or they could just be off their meds. I say, "why take the chance?" Leaving then and there could make you look like a puss but you would at least be alive to get teased about it. I'd rather be a living puss than a dead dumbass.

8. Read Strange Writings From a Book Bound in Skin- This falls directly under the heading "What the Hell is Wrong With You?" Do you speak this language? No?! Then don't read it aloud. You have no idea what you are saying or who you might piss off. This goes for tape recordings too. Just because you aren't the one saying it does not make it okay. And think about this. What happened to the original owner of the book? Where are they, huh? Yeah, I thought so. You come across something like this...leave it alone.

7. Check Out the Noise- What was that? Did you hear it? No is the only answer that may keep you alive. If there was a noise, something nasty probably made it. My best advice? Run away at least until daylight. Nothing bad happens in the daylight, right? Well of course it can but your chances of survival are exponentially greater when the Sun is up. In the meantime, stop doing anything that will get you killed (see below) and be prepared. It will get to you eventually so there is no need to rush things. Use this time wisely by sharpening a tool or setting a fire to toss it in or boiling some water to throw at it. Use your imagination but DO NOT go see. Do you really wanna know what it was anyway? Even if it was just a cat or a raccoon, you know what that means. False scare. The real one is right around the corner.

6. Go in the Basement- Basements are dank, dark, damp and dark. Oh did I say "dark" twice? You bet your endangered ass I did. Dark means shadows and shadows are places to hide. The basement holds a myriad of dangers. Hands (or claws) reaching through those rickety stairs, things lurking behind water heaters, and windows too small to crawl through if you need to escape. These places are better known as Death Traps. No way to avoid it? Bring a buddy and a two-by-four. Better yet? Make your buddy go. When you hear his screams you will have ample opportunity to get the Hell outta Dodge.

5. Joke About Getting Killed- You may the jokester of the group, but a bad sense of humor will put you on the fast track to the morgue. If after ignoring the local crazy you get the bright idea of jumping out at your friends or wearing a mask or making fun of the local legend, then you deserve whatever you get. You are being stupid. I won't expect to see you around by the third act. You will be the one I find later hanging from a coat hook on the back of a door or swinging from a rope in the hayloft or Heaven forbid, dying right in front of your friends who have seen too much of your crap to believe you. Ever hear of the boy who cried Serial Killer? Me neither. Don't be the first.

4. Mock the Dead or Be Irreverent in any Form- Ever notice how the assholes never make it to be the heroes? Yeah, you keep that close in your brain when you are thinking about dancing on someone's grave or digging up a corpse to party. It's not nice to show disrespect and it usually gets rewarded in messy, messy ways. If you see any of your friends committing these heinous acts, don't even bother to stop them. It may be too late. I recommend you get in the car and haul ass while it still runs. You wait too long and you know as well as I that you aren't getting out. And once the spirits are pissed, they don't care who was responsible. If you are still around then you either did it or supported it. They don't care which.

3. Get Drunk- These last three are no-brainers. Well you would think they would be. But teens and young adults keep doing it and keep getting killed. Let me tell you again. If you are in the woods, at a party in the middle of nowhere (which is stupid anyway), at camp, creeping around an old house or anywhere else that is questionable, be the designated driver. If you are lucky you'll need one. If not so lucky, at least you won't be too hammered to find your own way out. And if you are thoughtless enough to get drunk, for pity's sake DO NOT wander off alone. That includes peeing in the woods. Just because you have the equipment to go anywhere doesn't mean you should.

2. Smoke Pot- Once again, the sin factor comes into play. Firing up the MaryJane is the equivalent of inviting the ax-wielding killer to do you in. And don't think offering him any will change his mind. He knows that the best way to get the job done is to have his wits about him. Chances are that his revenge is based on some pot-smoking teens anyway. You won't score any points like that. Besides, you get stoned and you are too damned lazy to run away. But then I guess the upside of that is that maybe you just won't care enough to get scared. One second you are giggling at cartoons. The next, BAM!!! I guess if you have to commit one of the three, this would be the least painless way to go.

1. Have Sex- There have been warnings about this for years and not just in horror movies. The hook on the car handle, Little Red Riding Hood (a young girl coming of age and meeting a hungry stranger), The Bible. And when teens have refused to heed those warnings, along came the psycho killer. It's like he has some sort of Roll-in-the-Haydar. You peel off those clothes and he'll be peeling off your face. I do believe there are ways around this. Trust me, this is one I find hard-pressed to give up. So I advocate safe sex. Sex in groups may be the only answer. Then just make sure you aren't the ones nearest the door or window that could get attacked. Once you see the slaughter commence, beat a hasty retreat and continue the canoodling at a safer time and place. Don't have a group or don't feel comfortable? Hold it in. You can't risk giving in to folly at a time like that. Think about Grandma (assuming that's a turn OFF) and wait, wait, wait.

Being a Nurse always means TMI

Being a nurse you are told things and shown things that you wish you could pluck your eye balls out or shove sharp instruments in your ears.  So if your squeamish don’t read any further.

First there was this family came in and the 63yr old male was here for swollen scrotum.  Pretty swollen and apparently been oozing.  Since I was in triage I place him in a young new nurse’s room.  Not on purpose mind you but let just say she had never saw anything like that I was pretty shocked.  But not as shocked as the Hospitalist that went in to talk with the family because the patient was going to be admitted.  She walked in and was getting some history when the daughter 31 yrs old drew back the sheet and exposed her dad’s junk.  Which was weird anyway but was made worse when the daughter lifted up her dads nuts and said see most of the swelling and chaffing is here.  I have been rubbing Vaseline on his scrotum to help with the pain.  Mind you the 63 yr olds girlfriend was also in the room AWKWARD!
How about the 18 yr old with Herpes that made her boyfriend leave the room because she didn’t want him to know that she had herpes.  Lovely.  Hope he was using a condom.Which also reminds me of the guy with Herpes so bad it went all the way to his butthole.  Which was really hard to see.
The women who come in all the time for vaginal pain.  I really think they love the doctors looking at their privates time and time again.  Nothing starts my day off than watching one of the doctors cram their arm up a big girl’s hooha.. sheeh.
Believe me I have seen too many woman’s crotches to count. See I have this thing right here as she spreads her legs…. Not to mention peckers..dear lord I have seen more of them than a street hooker.
Then of course you always  have the rambling patient that can never get to WHY ARE YOU HERE.  Well I have this cough and this hang nail on my toe. Also about 2 years ago I had left knee surgery. But now my right knee hurts…AHHHHHH

Hair removal: humor

I don't remember where I got this or who sent it but here goes....
Hair Removal....This is funny. (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, playwith the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.No muss, no fuss.
How hard can I t be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe..................OK, back to normal.I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?
'She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its solo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...

10 signs you have a nursing shortage

Top 10 signs you have a nursing shortage

10. Your boss comes up with synonyms like staff challenge to try to fool the patients
9. You have the bladder capacity of five people or have a leg bag catheter
8. You think that caffeine should be available in IV form
7. You're no longer allowed to call in sick only as dead
6. You're willing to pick up hitchhikers to give them on the job training as a CNA
5. If you're not a smoker, you're on some type of anti-depressant
4. You go to sleep at night and dream that you're still at work
3. Its shower day for the pts, you think hmm local car wash might get everyone done faster.
2. You're wondering why you ever gave up that pie job at Wal-Mart
1. Not only are you the nurse, you're a doctor, CNA, plumber, teacher, parent, psychiatrist, electrician, telephone operator, file clerk, and still underpaid for them all!
okay this is not as good as my other ones but then again i made it up myself. just trying to find the humor in our shortage

Random dog crazies

1. My little black dog is still eating trash.   She ran out of my daughters bathroom with her maxi pad in her mouth….ewwwww.  Gross dog what the hell is wrong with you.
   
2. My new schnauzer is strange.  Barks at absolutely nothing.  In fact while the other dogs are barking at the neighbors.  He will be facing the opposite way barking into the wind.  Dumb dog
   
3. My black lab cleans his behind so much he look like he bleaches his anus.  Bright white..and a black dog.  You can see his butt hole a mile away.  You needed to know this.  OCD dog
   
4. My chocolate lab is the laziness dog of them all.  In fact if you get up and head to the bedroom she thinks its bedtime and will go to bed.  Even if we just woke up 10 mins ago.
   
5. My New schnauzer can reach his butt.  Or can’t figure it out.  Unlike the blk lab who can.  In fact he is the only dog that can figure a way to crap and get his poop stuck in his fur.  Or dribble it down his leg.  On that note.  We actually have a poop duty station.  A box of wipes at the back door where the person who lets him back in inspects his butt region for any remnants of unwantables left behind on his behind.
   
6. My Little schnauzer sleeps completely upside down making him look like a rag mop because of his long hair…see below
   
7. My white boxer knows when I have vacuumed even if she wasn’t in the house when I did.  Because the first thing she does is rolls around on the floor to replace the vacuumed hair or rubs herself on my brown couch to prove to everyone she was here.
   
8. My little schnauzer is afraid of the floors in Petsmart.  So much it makes me wonder what he actually sees.  Because where the floor is too shiny in spots he stops and acts like the floor drops off into a endless black pit.  I have to pick him up and carry him over the area.  Then he is back to walking like nothing ever happened.  Weird.
   
9.   apparently the white boxer is jealous that she wasn’t invited to the picture.
   
10. And last but not least…the little schnauzer loves to lounge in the car…and huff and puff after a hard day at obedience class.  Even though I am pretty sure I worked harder than he did.

Prepare for the Rapture: you might be dead

10. Every Time You Speak it Comes Out as a Moan – One of the classic symptoms of zombification is the loss of coherent speech. Go all the way back to Frankenstein's Monster. The vocal chords are delicate and can be among the first things to go. Try saying this phrase: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. Everything come out okay? Good. If not, you are either a zombie or Eliza Doolittle.

Other Possible Explanation: You are currently engaged in sexual intercourse.

9. People Remark that You Smell Like Roadkill- First of all, if anyone has ever said this within earshot of you...damn. Secondly, I hate to tell you that this is another symptom. You see, dead things smell bad. That's just the way it is. Autolysis and putrefaction lead to the release of gases which are the main cause of that sickly sweet odor of death. Chances are good that you are in fact a reanimated corpse.

Other Possible Explanation: You have poor hygiene. Treatment: Bathe.

8. Passersby Complement You on Your Sexy Shamble- It is a well-known fact (at least to Romero fans) that zombies have limited mobility. There is no blood flow to the muscles, what would you expect? Not to mention the fact that tendons and other soft tissues will be rotting away. Running zombies may be scarier to some but come on, does it really make sense? Let's be rational here. Hehe. If your walk can be categorized as a lurch or a stumble you could be in real trouble.

Other Possible Explanation: You are drunk.

7. You Have an Uncontrollable Urge to Go to the Mall- I don't know what it is about the mall, but it happens all the time. Is our need for consumerism so prevalent that it reaches beyond the limitations of death? Look at Dawn of the Dead (both versions) and even the video game Dead Rising. Apparently it is just an inevitability. Do you often feel yourself being pulled by the sway of Macy's or Hot Topic? Sounds like zombie time to me.

Other Possible Explanation: You are a teenager or just have nothing better to do.

6. Hunger is Your Only Motivation- Sure we all have the drive to eat in order to sustain our own lives. But if your hunger is all-consuming, if it just won't go away no matter what you eat, if you find yourself walking miles to track down something that smells yummy...you may be a goner. Once you have been infected, nothing else will matter. Your need to feed will prey on your mind like you will prey on your neighbors and you will never be sated.

Other Possible Explanation: You are stoned. (Note: This could also be the underlying cause for many of the signs. Do you also have the urge to watch cartoons and laugh at nothing? If so, you are fine)

5. Your Friends Keep Trying to Bean You on the Head- We all know the most effective way to dispatch the living dead is to kill the brain. A gunshot to the head, a bat to the noggin, a tire iron to the skull...these are all good. And your friends all know this too. If you find yourself having to constantly shield your grey matter from the onslaught of weapons, you may be a zombie.

Other Possible Explanation: You have lousy friends.

4. Your Rate of Decomposition Has Severely Increased- We know that the body begins its slow decline as soon as we are born. The flesh is only designed to sustain life for so long. This is why we age and why we begin to fall apart (metaphorically) as we grow older. But if you are literally falling apart, this could be cause for concern. In the case of reanimation, there should also be the characteristic smell we discussed earlier. If you present with both of these symptoms, you are probably among the population of the undead.

Other Possible Explanation: You have leprosy which is generally characterized by skin lesions. Leprosy will not cause your limbs to fall off so if you start dropping body parts on the carpet, you should seek the attention of your local mortician.

3. You Were Pronounced Dead and People Ran Screaming When You Got Up- It is not uncommon, even in today's advanced society, for people to occasionally lose signs of life. Chances are good you could be revived by a team of medical experts or someone on hand to administer the likes of CPR. The usual response is gleeful gratitude expressed by those around you. But if you die and your awakening prompts a negative response, mainly one of fear or repulsion, then you have likely been zombified. If this is the case, I would be on the lookout for number 5 above. That is often the next logical reaction.

Other Possible Explanations: You are rich and your family was waiting for you to kick the bucket or you just aren't very well liked.

2. You Crave Human Flesh- Probably the number one symptom of zombiehood is the need to feed on the flesh of the living. There are various explanations of this phenomena depending upon which canon you follow. Some believe it lessens the pain of being dead. But no matter what you believe, you cannot deny that if this urge suddenly forms, the odds of you being a revenant are highly likely. I recommend you distance yourself from the public as quickly as possible. Most people are not fond of being gnawed on at random.

Other Possible Explanation: You are simply a cannibal. In either case, keep away from me.

1. You Have Been Bitten by a Zombie- This one is undeniable and there is little recourse unless you happen to boast a natural immunity but I wouldn't count on this being the case. If you have in fact been chewed by a member of the living dead, you can go ahead and plan your cremation. The typical funeral will only prolong the effects and cause you discomfort as you attempt to climb out of your grave. You will also probably attack those you love and that is not a pleasant thought for anyone.

Other Possible Explanation: I got nothing. You are screwed, my friend

What is that smell?

what is that smell?
Okay....you keep smelling crap....you spray and spray lysol down the hallway....then wash your hands and still can't figure it out....oh crap its crap and its on your pants....apparemyntly when i rolled the patient over i got it on my pants and didn't even notice....great....i scrubbed it off with a wipe and spray lysol on myself since my dumb arse doesn't have any extra set of scrubs...had to continue  day on with my new lysol perfume ahhh the joys of being a nurse

Innernet

I really have married a redneck man. My man wanted me to use my email for some crap that he might win. I told him that I didn’t want spam to my email so I create him an email. Well while I was on Facebook he asked me if I he got any thing yet. I said huh? You know on Facebook? No Hun I made you a email account. I know do I have anything yet. I had to explain to him that I made him an email not a Facebook account. So I made him a Facebook account. Well a couple days later he asked if he got any calls. I told him no one had called the house for him. No on Facebook he stated. Um calls? you know from people. Oh you mean messages? Yea whatever...
I had to explain to him that he needed to add friends. Then he asked about he emails. I told him he would have to give his friends his email so that others will email him. I guess he thought poof everyone knows he is on the internet now…lol
then days later when I was making fun of him cause his status still mentioned dreading Christmas and it was weeks passed it. He had my oldest show him how to log on. Then tried to have her update his status. He put hell was finally over. He tried to get the oldest to type it…lol She was telling him no way daddy that’s a bad word…*giggle got to love him!

how not to kill yourself/ your not dying

 

1. Do not eat an entire pill container in front of your wife. She will call 911 and you will be in the ER.
2. Do not call your wife on the cell from exit 66 and say you are going to kill yourself.  The police will pick you up and take you to the ER.
3. Do not pretend to have a heart attack to avoid getting caught by your wife while you are with your girlfriend. You will be in the ER and will be diagnosed with Anxiety related to stupidity
4. Do not slice up and down your arm for the hell of it because it relieves the pain. 
5. Taking and overdose of some over the counter drugs doesn’t do much but upset your stomach.
6. Clutching the wrong side of your chest and saying your having a heart attack.
7. Diagnosing yourself and trying to tell the nurse well I know its my kidneys cause they hurt.  I drank a whole gallon of cranberry juice.  When all the pain is directly at your stomach.
8. If there is no broken skin you most likely don’t have a splinter in your ass.
9. Coming into the ER because your dying and have never been in this kind of pain all you really need is an enema and a really big fart.
10. Ambulance rides don’t necessarily mean your dying.  They are required to take you if you call.  Regardless if its for nausea and vomiting or a true emergency.  So do us a favor and save a life…don’t call the EMS unless its a true emergency.  Don’t fill our ER with your trivial runny noses and bull shit thanks.

This is my Brain...

This my brain:

This is my brain on Nursing school:

Yes I know your fried and I am getting older but i am just 33 so please stop crapping out on me.
I really hate that you:

1. Cause me to look like a complete idiot in the Wal-mart parking lot looking for where i parked my car…10 mins later finding it 4 isles over from where I was.
2. Cause me to blank out and forget to take that 5 point quiz 2 mins after it closed online.
3. Cause me to be dyslexic when I type…and have to back space constantly
4. Cause me to drive my car to work when I was suppose to be heading to school
5. Cause me to wake up in the morning wondering why my alarm is going off at 5am when I swear i don’t have class till 9…and i was suppose to be up at 5am…crap, thank God I figured that one out before I missed clinicals.
6. For causing me to be sooo tired that all I want to do is Farm on Farmville because that’s all the brain cell power I have…how sad…btw anyone need a neighbor add my arse on your FB!!
7. Cause me to lock myself out of my work locker.
8. Cause me to forget to chart important stuff till I get home and lay down to sleep…thanks
9. Cause me to have blogger writers block and cause me to write about my brain…how sad…

Spread em’

My friend that works as a cashier told me when I see my hubby to asked him not to steal anymore sunglasses again. So of course I had to ask my hubby what sunglasses did you try to steal today…when I got home…he grinned…and proceeded to tell me the story…
My hubby works for Pepsi and he works in a few different grocery stores…he was coming out of a certain big chain store…when he set the alarm off...and since he knew most of the people that work there he decided to be amusing and put his hands on the wall and “spread em” position…yelling at the door greeter…It’s not me…you can check. Mind you this door greeter was probably mortified because she was at least 80yrs old. She states that's umm not my job someone from the back does that... The cashiers at this point were laughing hysterically at my hubby and the customers glaring at the site of my hubby spread out like a criminal on the wall. Someone finally came over and they asked what he had purchased…apparently the sunglasses that he bought where setting off the alarms. The wonderful cashier forgot to deactivate them.

fake seizure

 

I would like to share this video that I found…which can kinda tell you what I have to deal with some days.

So a few days ago I get an EMS call over the radio saying that this patient has had 10 seizures on route to the ER.  So this patient is coming to my room that I am assigned to.  It had been a long time since I had to deal with a seizure.  My coworker are laughing about it and me new to the scene have no idea why.  I look up and there is this woman lying on the stretcher with her arms flapping and legs kicking.  First I was like wow…then when I really got into the room I was like what kinda of fit is this?  Then it stopped.  She didn’t talk for awhile.  Then started acting like nothing was wrong.  I asked all the questions and got her list of meds.  When I was done I went to the nurses station.  They said first time you’ve seen her?  I replied yes.  What the heck kind of fits are those?  I know that's not a seizure.  They said they are pseudo seizures. (fake for the non medical people).  She’s a regular the proceed to tell me.  Well then I hear a bunch of ruckus and notice my adult patient having a “seizure which looked more like this…  minus the crying…the doctor had entered the room.  He was wise to this act and instructed the woman to stop.  That he knew she was not indeed having a seizure.  She just intensified it some more.  So we came in to help.  Was instructed to get some ammonia sticks.  Which is use to help regain consciousness of a patient that has passed out.  Let’s just say if your faking it’s like sticking your nose right over a bottle of cleaning ammonia and taking a big o’le whiff.  She stopped her “seizure”  so she could roll away from the awful smell.  Forgetting she was suppose to be kicking…and she had just one hand going now.  He instructed that she stop or he would have to use the ammonia again to help calm her down since now she was shoving the doctor away and banging her arms on the side rails.  He stated that he didn’t want her to harm herself but she kept pretending to be having seizures.  After the 2nd dose of ammonia she stopped.  What makes people want to do this?  Mental issues?  Attention?  Drugs?  Found out drugs…she was telling the doctor she needed Dilaudid for her headache that the seizures caused….can I get some for the head ache she caused us?  GRR
PS:  I also was informed she isn’t the only regular that does this.  In fact the patient will state in her history part that she has pseudo seizures….dear lord help me

Don’t not give OJ to your nursing books

I need a desk no if and or butts. Why you ask? Because I have the most accident prone child. If she can get hurt she does and if she can get it dirty she will. Last semester she spilled pop on my A & P Lab manual. That was sitting on the counter. This semester she decorated my Med Surge book with OJ. Thank God it missed my Health Assessment homework. Let’s not even include her own stuff or anyone else's that she has spilled liquids on.
So I have come to realize that the kitchen table isn’t the best place to try to do homework. The only problem is no money and living in a small home makes it hard to fix this issue. My current desk is a computer desk armoire. I don’t use the computer, cause it’s ancient and have upgraded to a laptop. So I gave it to the kids for their room…with the computer out I realize you cannot turn it into a functional writing desk. GRR… So now what? I search for a cheap desk that is small. It took me about a week to finally find something that wasn’t 800 dollars or the size of my kitchen table.
Assembly…this is where as the redneck turns starts…
I love my hubby and he is great at rigging things together and actually making it work. The problem is he never follows the direction on assembly of things. He wants to figure it out. Well the last time we put something together we had to take it all apart and turn it the correct direction…which made the project longer..lol
So his bright idea was to use extra glue to make it stronger. It took pleading to convince him not to due to previous issues. Thank God he listen. It took the entire family to put this little desk together. And yes at least once we had to flip something back around. So thank you for using NO GLUE…so an hour or so later here it is…Crammed into the kitchen next to the table. Its a tight fit but maybe it will be safe from the Super Spiller.

that's my computer cord going across…i type on the couch…

Pretty close don’t you think? Oh well