Dear alcoholics

This post is dedicated to all the patients that come in drunk

Dear College Drunk,

Yes every year about this time you come in intoxicated, nearly dead, and usually injured.  Please realize you are new to drinking and you should pace yourself until you figure out your limit.  Why you ask?  Because if not you will die because your friends are too stupid to lay you on your side.  It's called aspiration on your own vomit.  Or how about out cold in the cold.  Its called hypothermia.  And last but not least a glass coffee table is not your friend when you decide to take a nose dive smack in the middle of it.

Sincerely,

Learn your limits dumbass

Dear Dead beat mom,

Make sure your kids are not home when you decided to come in by ambulance.   Tripping and falling and cutting your face to pieces will automatically get you an ETOH level.  Telling us that no one is home with your kids will also get you a call to the DSS.  

Sincerely,  your children are now in foster care

Dear Old man drunk,

No I do not want to climb in bed with you.  Nor do I think you are sexy.  Barf on your shirt, piss on your pants, the smell of alcohol on your breath and the fact you look like a hobo does not turn me on.

Sincerely, you are not sexy and I know it

Dear Mean Drunk,

Telling me you have no idea why your here and you just want to go home make me want to smack the shit out of you.  You are the one that called 911.  That is why you are here.  Why do I have to constantly tell you to get back in bed before you rip out your IV?  Hello do you want a bigger hole in your arm?  Wonderful there is now a trail of blood down the hall way where you yank your line out.  Aw darn you left the ER by eloping.

Sincerely, called the law they are picking you up and taking you in for drunk in public.  Your welcome

Dear Sir you are not having a stroke,

Your alcohol level is 3 times the limit.  Not sure why you have slurred speech?  Are you kidding me?  It's called being drunk dumb ass

Sincerely you sir are in major denial

Dear ETOH aka Drunk patient,

Your nurses love playing the game  who can guess your alcohol level the closest.  

Sincerely

Yea we have no life and apparently you don't either.

Tied down and drunk

Had the cops bring in this patient that was very drunk and very agitated. In fact he was strapped to a back board with his hands tied behind his back. He was cussing and trying to spit at everyone. (Of course all he was doing was spitting on himself because the cops had some sort of mask that prevents them from spitting. Pretty neat wish we had them for the ED. Anyway he was here due to a huge laceration to his leg. Unfortunately he was too agitated to even look at the leg let alone let the doctor repair it. So Geodon it was IM in the leg to help him calm down. Wasn’t helping that the cops were irritating him even more. Doctor said I wish they would stop. So being the mouth that I am told them if they wanted to get back before time to clock out they would have to let the patient relax. That way the medicine could take effect and the doctor can fix the leg. They were happy to oblige.
Finally the med was effective. She wanted a urine on him so she could do a drug test on him. I let my new grad do the cath but he was having difficulty. I was teasing this new grad that I was training. I told him that my shift leader might be the vein whisperer but when it came to caths I was the cath whisperer…lol So without missing a beat the cop said..so you talk to penis for a living…lol Guess so…you know what they say nurses see more penis than a hooker does…lol So he did a number to his leg. Had to have sutures internally and then staples on the outside. He went back with the cops have out of it from the Geodon. Love Geodon!