how not to kill yourself/ your not dying

 

1. Do not eat an entire pill container in front of your wife. She will call 911 and you will be in the ER.
2. Do not call your wife on the cell from exit 66 and say you are going to kill yourself.  The police will pick you up and take you to the ER.
3. Do not pretend to have a heart attack to avoid getting caught by your wife while you are with your girlfriend. You will be in the ER and will be diagnosed with Anxiety related to stupidity
4. Do not slice up and down your arm for the hell of it because it relieves the pain. 
5. Taking and overdose of some over the counter drugs doesn’t do much but upset your stomach.
6. Clutching the wrong side of your chest and saying your having a heart attack.
7. Diagnosing yourself and trying to tell the nurse well I know its my kidneys cause they hurt.  I drank a whole gallon of cranberry juice.  When all the pain is directly at your stomach.
8. If there is no broken skin you most likely don’t have a splinter in your ass.
9. Coming into the ER because your dying and have never been in this kind of pain all you really need is an enema and a really big fart.
10. Ambulance rides don’t necessarily mean your dying.  They are required to take you if you call.  Regardless if its for nausea and vomiting or a true emergency.  So do us a favor and save a life…don’t call the EMS unless its a true emergency.  Don’t fill our ER with your trivial runny noses and bull shit thanks.