Wednesday, October 5, 2011

How to tell if you’re a Zombie

Top Ten Symptoms of Necroambulation..
I like posting this every Halloween in hopes I have educated someone new.  If you have read this you may just skip it or enjoy it all over again.

10. Every Time You Speak it Comes Out as a Moan – One of the classic symptoms of zombification is the loss of coherent speech. Go all the way back to Frankenstein's Monster. The vocal chords are delicate and can be among the first things to go. Try saying this phrase: The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain. Everything come out okay? Good. If not, you are either a zombie or Eliza Doolittle.
Other Possible Explanation: You are currently engaged in sexual intercourse.
9. People Remark that You Smell Like Roadkill- First of all, if anyone has ever said this within earshot of you...damn. Secondly, I hate to tell you that this is another symptom. You see, dead things smell bad. That's just the way it is. Autolysis and putrefaction lead to the release of gases which are the main cause of that sickly sweet odor of death. Chances are good that you are in fact a reanimated corpse.
Other Possible Explanation: You have poor hygiene. Treatment: Bathe.
8. Passersby Complement You on Your Sexy Shamble- It is a well-known fact (at least to Romero fans) that zombies have limited mobility. There is no blood flow to the muscles, what would you expect? Not to mention the fact that tendons and other soft tissues will be rotting away. Running zombies may be scarier to some but come on, does it really make sense? Let's be rational here. Hehe. If your walk can be categorized as a lurch or a stumble you could be in real trouble.
Other Possible Explanation: You are drunk.
7. You Have an Uncontrollable Urge to Go to the Mall- I don't know what it is about the mall, but it happens all the time. Is our need for consumerism so prevalent that it reaches beyond the limitations of death? Look at Dawn of the Dead (both versions) and even the video game Dead Rising. Apparently it is just an inevitability. Do you often feel yourself being pulled by the sway of Macy's or Hot Topic? Sounds like zombie time to me.
Other Possible Explanation: You are a teenager or just have nothing better to do.
6. Hunger is Your Only Motivation- Sure we all have the drive to eat in order to sustain our own lives. But if your hunger is all-consuming, if it just won't go away no matter what you eat, if you find yourself walking miles to track down something that smells yummy...you may be a goner. Once you have been infected, nothing else will matter. Your need to feed will prey on your mind like you will prey on your neighbors and you will never be sated.
Other Possible Explanation: You are stoned. (Note: This could also be the underlying cause for many of the signs. Do you also have the urge to watch cartoons and laugh at nothing? If so, you are fine)
5. Your Friends Keep Trying to Bean You on the Head- We all know the most effective way to dispatch the living dead is to kill the brain. A gunshot to the head, a bat to the noggin, a tire iron to the skull...these are all good. And your friends all know this too. If you find yourself having to constantly shield your grey matter from the onslaught of weapons, you may be a zombie.
Other Possible Explanation: You have lousy friends.
4. Your Rate of Decomposition Has Severely Increased- We know that the body begins its slow decline as soon as we are born. The flesh is only designed to sustain life for so long. This is why we age and why we begin to fall apart (metaphorically) as we grow older. But if you are literally falling apart, this could be cause for concern. In the case of reanimation, there should also be the characteristic smell we discussed earlier. If you present with both of these symptoms, you are probably among the population of the undead.
Other Possible Explanation: You have leprosy which is generally characterized by skin lesions. Leprosy will not cause your limbs to fall off so if you start dropping body parts on the carpet, you should seek the attention of your local mortician.
3. You Were Pronounced Dead and People Ran Screaming When You Got Up- It is not uncommon, even in today's advanced society, for people to occasionally lose signs of life. Chances are good you could be revived by a team of medical experts or someone on hand to administer the likes of CPR. The usual response is gleeful gratitude expressed by those around you. But if you die and your awakening prompts a negative response, mainly one of fear or repulsion, then you have likely been zombified. If this is the case, I would be on the lookout for number 5 above. That is often the next logical reaction.
Other Possible Explanations: You are rich and your family was waiting for you to kick the bucket or you just aren't very well liked.
2. You Crave Human Flesh- Probably the number one symptom of zombiehood is the need to feed on the flesh of the living. There are various explanations of this phenomena depending upon which canon you follow. Some believe it lessens the pain of being dead. But no matter what you believe, you cannot deny that if this urge suddenly forms, the odds of you being a revenant are highly likely. I recommend you distance yourself from the public as quickly as possible. Most people are not fond of being gnawed on at random.
Other Possible Explanation: You are simply a cannibal. In either case, keep away from me.
1. You Have Been Bitten by a Zombie- This one is undeniable and there is little recourse unless you happen to boast a natural immunity but I wouldn't count on this being the case. If you have in fact been chewed by a member of the living dead, you can go ahead and plan your cremation. The typical funeral will only prolong the effects and cause you discomfort as you attempt to climb out of your grave. You will also probably attack those you love and that is not a pleasant thought for anyone.
Other Possible Explanation: I got nothing. You are screwed, my friend

5 comments:

Ann Worthington said...

Holy crap! Gimpy is a zombie! Now where did I put my Katana?

Dark Mother said...

Well, I have #6 (and the ass to show for it) but I think I'm safe because none of the others apply to me.

Ashley said...

May I steal this to post to Facebook? :)

NurseNightmare said...

Sure ashley

NurseNightmare said...

Blogger ate one of my comments. It shows on my email but not here and when I try to publish comment it tells me it can't find it. So here is one of the comments that was missing. I will have to post it myself. Sorry Random

Random girl: I love this! You made me literally laugh out loud. Thank you for that. First time stopping by, pretty cool :)