Sunday, October 9, 2011

So you want to die

10. Be a Camp Counselor- Fun Summer job, right? You get to wear shorts at work, go swimming, do arts and crafts, wind up at the bottom of the lake with a branch through your was that? Yeah. Don't you know? This job is more deadly than being an ice trucker. Hate the thought of going back to school? Be a counselor. You'll never go anywhere again. Wanna get it over quickly? Do any of the things below to make sure you are the first to go. Wanna live? Work at the mall.

9. Ignore the Local Crazy- You know the ones I mean. They run around town spouting about the end of the world, saying things like "You'll never come back again" or "it's got a death curse." They could be warning you of certain death in ghastly ways...or they could just be off their meds. I say, "why take the chance?" Leaving then and there could make you look like a puss but you would at least be alive to get teased about it. I'd rather be a living puss than a dead dumbass.

8. Read Strange Writings From a Book Bound in Skin- This falls directly under the heading "What the Hell is Wrong With You?" Do you speak this language? No?! Then don't read it aloud. You have no idea what you are saying or who you might piss off. This goes for tape recordings too. Just because you aren't the one saying it does not make it okay. And think about this. What happened to the original owner of the book? Where are they, huh? Yeah, I thought so. You come across something like this...leave it alone.

7. Check Out the Noise- What was that? Did you hear it? No is the only answer that may keep you alive. If there was a noise, something nasty probably made it. My best advice? Run away at least until daylight. Nothing bad happens in the daylight, right? Well of course it can but your chances of survival are exponentially greater when the Sun is up. In the meantime, stop doing anything that will get you killed (see below) and be prepared. It will get to you eventually so there is no need to rush things. Use this time wisely by sharpening a tool or setting a fire to toss it in or boiling some water to throw at it. Use your imagination but DO NOT go see. Do you really wanna know what it was anyway? Even if it was just a cat or a raccoon, you know what that means. False scare. The real one is right around the corner.

6. Go in the Basement- Basements are dank, dark, damp and dark. Oh did I say "dark" twice? You bet your endangered ass I did. Dark means shadows and shadows are places to hide. The basement holds a myriad of dangers. Hands (or claws) reaching through those rickety stairs, things lurking behind water heaters, and windows too small to crawl through if you need to escape. These places are better known as Death Traps. No way to avoid it? Bring a buddy and a two-by-four. Better yet? Make your buddy go. When you hear his screams you will have ample opportunity to get the Hell outta Dodge.

5. Joke About Getting Killed- You may the jokester of the group, but a bad sense of humor will put you on the fast track to the morgue. If after ignoring the local crazy you get the bright idea of jumping out at your friends or wearing a mask or making fun of the local legend, then you deserve whatever you get. You are being stupid. I won't expect to see you around by the third act. You will be the one I find later hanging from a coat hook on the back of a door or swinging from a rope in the hayloft or Heaven forbid, dying right in front of your friends who have seen too much of your crap to believe you. Ever hear of the boy who cried Serial Killer? Me neither. Don't be the first.

4. Mock the Dead or Be Irreverent in any Form- Ever notice how the assholes never make it to be the heroes? Yeah, you keep that close in your brain when you are thinking about dancing on someone's grave or digging up a corpse to party. It's not nice to show disrespect and it usually gets rewarded in messy, messy ways. If you see any of your friends committing these heinous acts, don't even bother to stop them. It may be too late. I recommend you get in the car and haul ass while it still runs. You wait too long and you know as well as I that you aren't getting out. And once the spirits are pissed, they don't care who was responsible. If you are still around then you either did it or supported it. They don't care which.

3. Get Drunk- These last three are no-brainers. Well you would think they would be. But teens and young adults keep doing it and keep getting killed. Let me tell you again. If you are in the woods, at a party in the middle of nowhere (which is stupid anyway), at camp, creeping around an old house or anywhere else that is questionable, be the designated driver. If you are lucky you'll need one. If not so lucky, at least you won't be too hammered to find your own way out. And if you are thoughtless enough to get drunk, for pity's sake DO NOT wander off alone. That includes peeing in the woods. Just because you have the equipment to go anywhere doesn't mean you should.

2. Smoke Pot- Once again, the sin factor comes into play. Firing up the MaryJane is the equivalent of inviting the ax-wielding killer to do you in. And don't think offering him any will change his mind. He knows that the best way to get the job done is to have his wits about him. Chances are that his revenge is based on some pot-smoking teens anyway. You won't score any points like that. Besides, you get stoned and you are too damned lazy to run away. But then I guess the upside of that is that maybe you just won't care enough to get scared. One second you are giggling at cartoons. The next, BAM!!! I guess if you have to commit one of the three, this would be the least painless way to go.

1. Have Sex- There have been warnings about this for years and not just in horror movies. The hook on the car handle, Little Red Riding Hood (a young girl coming of age and meeting a hungry stranger), The Bible. And when teens have refused to heed those warnings, along came the psycho killer. It's like he has some sort of Roll-in-the-Haydar. You peel off those clothes and he'll be peeling off your face. I do believe there are ways around this. Trust me, this is one I find hard-pressed to give up. So I advocate safe sex. Sex in groups may be the only answer. Then just make sure you aren't the ones nearest the door or window that could get attacked. Once you see the slaughter commence, beat a hasty retreat and continue the canoodling at a safer time and place. Don't have a group or don't feel comfortable? Hold it in. You can't risk giving in to folly at a time like that. Think about Grandma (assuming that's a turn OFF) and wait, wait, wait.


Texan Zombie Goddess said...

You forgot "wear seven inch stilettos" lol. Oh, and the best line, "You are all going to die down here" :)!

Ann Worthington said...

I actually really follow these directions. Hey, laugh all you want, I'm still alive. ;P